Well here goes. There's an akward reason for this blog. First, it's for absolutely no one but myself to see. Second, it's made to prevent those nights were I get so blacked out I cannot control myself and everything that's pent up comes pouring word vomit style. So basically it's for protection. Mostly from myself and my inability to release what goes on inside my head. Not saying that it's always a bad thing. I like to think that sometimes it's quippy wit that comes out of my head. But lately, that little feeling that I try to keep telling myself is ok to feel, doesn't seem so Ok to feel anymore. Point blank I gotta stop skirting around what I'm trying to get at because the only person I'm talking to here is me.

I. Miss. Him.

I. Am. Lonely.

It sucks, there's so many things I need to be doing for myself. Getting in shape, staying on top of school, getting things done for the cafe. I just keep feeling so inept that nothing is gratifying anymore. What happened when I loved my job so much that it seeped out of my pores?

Well I guess the lie I had been hiding behind finally seemed to come undone. It's official, I don't know why I miss this kid who could not shed two tears for me, nor stand up to his relentless sister and friends regarding what was good for him. Not for me right? Aparently not. I looked at the pictures today from Neff. The two she took from this year, really sum up the entire year we didn't have together. Pathetic right? Well truth is, I miss this kid, or I miss the idea of him, either way I seem pretty happy with myself right now, minus the lonely part. I don't like this lonely feeling, and random drunken makeouts don't seem to be readily flowing my way these days.

Because of this lonliness I feel rediculously insecure, which is completely absurd. I have no reason for this insecurity. My friends don't talk shit about me, I've got a good job, great family, good grades, fantastic job, and more recently zebra flip flops. So what else does this completely competent girl need? Sad to say it ladies, but that's right, a great man to share my time with. To be held. To be appreciated. To be loved basically. Truth be told I understand now why in this day and age we find solice in material possessions, because ladies finding a good guy is pretty damn tough, and when, like myself you are SURROUNDED, more like suffocated by amazing relationships there's no way out but a pair of white heels with brown trim.

Well I'll look at that email I got from him today one more time, and probably wait another two days to email him back. Wow.